Friday, August 10, 2012

One Time in the Cardio Cinema...P.S.A.

It is time for Gym Horror Stories - Part Deux...or um, another warning to help you live a happier life. Yeah, that.

Consider this a Public Service Announcement from me to you. It could very well save your life. Pay attention: 

The Cardio Cinema may be hazardous to your health.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Cardio Cinema, let me explain. It is a special movie theater in a gym. The lights are low, the movie is loud and intense--and you are on the exercise equipment of your choice.

If, like me, you are an unbelievable can be a lethal combination.

Let me set a scene for you. Let me clarify that by doing so, I am in no way admitting to a similar situation in which I developed bruises all over my body.

I repeat, I admit nothing.

Let's say someone entered the Cardio Cinema, prepared for some jogging time on the treadmill. A dark, intense movie is in full swing--"Mission Impossible" perhaps, maybe near the end when they're on the train and it's very dark.

This person may find an empty treadmill and finally, through the aid of a cell phone light, find that stupid "Quick Start" button. Success! They are jogging, they are enjoying a good movie, they don't even have to think about the fact that they're exercising.

Quickly, they become so engrossed in the movie, there is no attention paid to the exercise equipment. The left foot may wander to the unmoving edge of the treadmill, where it is puzzled when it is no longer moving. The right foot meanwhile is still trying to keep the body upright so it moves twice as fast while screaming, "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?"

Even in this precarious state, the rebelling eyes are still desperately watching Tom Cruise to see if he gets decapitated by the helicopter blade--after all, he seems to be in more danger than some random person on a treadmill... right?


What happens then? - You may ask. Well, I suppose they could fall on their stomachs and get flung off the back of the treadmill, just as the scene moves to a lighted interior train car. Yes, the timing is perfect for everyone behind them to gasp and stare.

Desperate to avoid someone calling 911, this person may jump to their feet as though this was a planned stunt to go along with the movie. A little wave of the hand will surely settle everyone down as they climb back on the treadmill and quietly whisper, "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" under their breath until everyone's eyes return the the movie screen.

Yes, it could happen.

So, let me caution you. If you are going to use a Cardio Cinema, choose a well lit movie and keep your eyes on your feet.

Thank you for your time.


  1. Trying not to laugh out loud in a quiet research facility. So I cry instead and wipe my nose on my sleeve. Love you, Jenn

  2. oh my goodness! OUCH!! But look at you getting back up on that treadmill!

    I'd never heard of this Cardio Cinema... that's a real thing?! I use netflix on my phone to watch stuff while I'm on the treadmill. Definitely makes the time go faster... and it sounds less dangerous than a dark room!

    1. Yep, it's very real. And quite demonstrated above. ;-)

  3. Oh, geez! I'd never heard of a cardio cinema either, and while it seems like a great idea, I would definitely never include treadmills in the dark!

    1. Haha, yeah...perhaps the Gold's Gym people will read this post and learn a lesson. :P

  4. So...does that mean you're changing gym locations now? Because I have it on good authority that the Golds near my house is loaded with treadmills that don't throw you off the back. I'm just sayin. *winks*