Here are our next volunteers! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*
Cadence awakes in a hospital to find her husband and daughter dead, killed in an earthquake. So when her guardian angel appears and offers her a chance to go back in time with all the knowledge she has, she accepts, desperate to prevent their deaths. I can see why you weren't sure where this fell in category, but I'd lean away from YA, so that's a good bet...although if she spends most of the book in high school, I'm not sure of NA either. This is a hard one, but a good start.
She shoots back eleven years to her fourteen-year-old To help with the genre issue, could she be 18? That would put it firmly in NA and she could still be in high school...Just a thought self, and faces high school all over again. She is determined to do everything better, including preventing the loss of her best friend and not dating any of her original, drama-inducing boyfriends. Her main focus is on her future husband, who she won’t meet for several years. This is all very well done, could use more voice, but other than that, you've got all your relevant points covered. Plus, it raises a lot of questions...if she does things differently, how can she expect to even end up with the same guy--which you dive right into in the next paragraph.
But James Gordon crosses her path. While she wishes to remain single, the bad boy pursues her. He threatens to disrupt everything that is to come as she begins to develop unwanted feelings for him, and distract her from her original goal: to save her future family. Interesting! Yeah, I think this is very cool, at this point, your biggest obstacle would be finding where it fits. Might recommend paranormal because of the Angel element + time travel...but paranormal is a hard sell at the moment. And I'd still recommend adding a bit more voice. It will lend that extra punch to make it stand out. Well done and best of luck!
DECEPTIVE CADENCE is a NA Contemporary with Time Travel elements running at 85,000.
Allison King barely escapes her brother’s wedding reception alive. When the invaders VERY vague here, what kind of invaders? Why are they the target? Give us a bit more of a feel for where we're starting so we don't spend the query scrambling to catch up. You can do this with two words, really. For example, without reading the rest of the query yet, if you put 'royal' before wedding reception and 'Roman' in front of invaders, we feel much more grounded in the scenario, make sense? raid the party, she and her siblings flee into the bush, avoiding the massacre, but they watch as their parents are killed by a firing squad.
Three weeks later, Ali is captured by the heartless General, who led the invasion, as she and her siblings search for other survivors. When she refuses to submit to his whims, he brands her for death with a crucifix. In a wild act of defiance, she snatches the branding rod up and sears the mark onto his face. Furious at the humiliation she forced upon him, she is taken out to join the rest of the captives in front of the firing squad. But she escapes, barely, and flees back into the bush. There is a LOT of info about one particular scene here, not sure you need this at all, definitely don't need this much detail about it.
She finds a small group a small group of...her family? villagers? dwarves? in hiding who nurse her back to health physically and emotionally. While among them, she falls in love with the young man who found her – Damien Rogers.
But the General is hunting her. When he discovers their location, and finds her with another man, his wrath is kindled and his obsession is inflamed. Allison discovers that his hunt for her may not kill her, but his mind games may break her and Damien apart is this supposed to be worse than death? If not, you just effectively lowered the stakes. If so, then we definitely need a better feel for why that matters so much to her. She must put herself on the line again, this is vague, what does this mean? Put herself on the line in what way? or he could kill her family, those who help her flee, and most significantly, the man she loves.
BRANDED is a NA Romantic Suspense Fantasy? Is this in our world? More specifics about the world here is necessary running at 95,000.
Some interesting situations today, the first is a solid query with a problematic genre issue. The second seems a more solid plot with a query that needs some tweaking. Both are very fixable. Hope my notes help! Good luck!
Okay, that's it for today and these queries. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writers! :) I really hope this helped you. It takes guts to send in a query, to me or an agent. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)
So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire.