Here is our next volunteer! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*
Surviving on her own comes naturally to seventeen-year-old Evangeline, whether it’s squatting in vacant apartments, crashing at a friend’s, or sleeping in a nearby tree. It has to be. This last sentence should be reworked, it's rough and confusing as is, make it clearer. If she’s not careful, Evy will end up back in foster care—or worse, the nearest padded cell. The voices she hears aren’t just in her head. Very nice hook, intriguing, maybe lead with this? Either way, you should go from this sentence right into what that means in the next paragraph. What does this mean? If they aren't just in your head? Where are they?
After the murder of her only friend, Charlie, Evy is kidnapped. In the bowels of the Chimera Corporation, insert comma here Evy discovers she is a product of genetic engineering designed to combat an endangered human race with superhuman abilities confused, is it the endangered human race that has superhuman abilities? Or is that what she's supposed to use? Clarify. . Once worshipped as gods, then hunted as witches, the Gifted have assimilated into society by keeping their existence hidden Clarify this also, is 'the Gifted' what she is?. Until now.
Chace, Subject Number Seven and fellow telepath OH! is this what you meant by the voices in her head? Yeah, this needs to be made clear so much earlier. Maybe even say, "As a telepath, the voices she hears aren't just in her head." It could be that simple., oversees Evy’s training as she reluctantly learns the skills necessary to defend humanity. Despite her developing feelings for Chace, Evy struggles with the suspicion that he is responsible for the death of her friend. The other children of her experimental trial is this 'The Gifted'? are far less charming, and the more she learns about the Chimera Corporation and the scientist who created her, the more she questions their motives and her real purpose in this conflict. But if Evy doesn’t accept her role as Subject Number Thirteen, the Gifted will rise unopposed. Okay, yes...I'm SO confused. So she is not one of the gifted then. Yeah, this needs to be clearer.
Complete at 82,000 words, THE THIRTEENTH SUBJECT is a YA science fiction with series potential.
I am a premed student by day and an avid writer by night.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
So here is the deal. This sounds awesome and you are great with voice and the writing, you have the right information here, you just need to make every word count. Every aspect needs to be clearer, once you have that, you've nailed it. Rework some of these sentences to make sure all my questions up there are answered. Make sure everything flows and get the important information out first. You have a great premise here and you're so close. Just take that final step to really polish this up and make it shine! :-)
Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I really hope this helped you. It takes guts to send in a query, to me or an agent. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)
So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire.
Also, if you haven't heard my great news this week or entered in my Happy News Rocks Giveaway, check it out and enter to win some sweet books from Macmillan!