Here is our very first volunteer! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*
I am currently seeking representation for my YA paranormal novel, Awakenings, complete at 74,000 words. (I'll assume you're going to add in some personalization to the agent here, so good job!)
Evie Shepard’s nightmare begins when (missing word here, I'm thinking 'she') finds herself buried alive, with no idea of how she got that way (This beginning is both intriguing and confusing. I'd remove the word nightmare, because I assumed you were talking about a literal nightmare until you started going on like this was her life). As Evie struggles to regain her memory (memory of what?Did she forget her entire life? Or just how she got buried alive? this should be clearer), she begins to notice changes about herself. Her senses are sharper, her movements quicker...her heartbeat has stopped. It’s then she makes a disturbing discovery. She wasn’t buried alive...she was murdered. Somehow she has come back. (DUDE! YES TO THIS! everything from the last comment to here, is awesome. It's different and it's gripping! Great job and VERY cool idea!)
Evie is now a Vengador, a creature born from a violent death with supernatural powers and an all-consuming need for vengeance (It's hard to believe it's 'all-consuming' if it took her awhile to even figure out she is dead. Consider re-wording...maybe ever-increasing would fit better with the next line). As she recovers her memories, it sharpens her need to kill. Her target –– the human traffickers who took her life, ripped her family apart, and who still have her sister, Lyssa.
However, as she closes in on her killer, she discovers the man who killed her aimed to make her a Vengador all along, with the singular goal of stealing her power(what exactly can she do other than have enhanced senses and no heartbeat...why does he want it and what will he do with it?). When Evie finally tracks him down, he makes her an offer: transfer her powers to him, end her second life and abandon her thirst for revenge in exchange for her sister's life. Or keep the powers out of his hands and satisfy her need for vengeance but lose her sister forever(This is all very good. I feel like you have all the essential elements here and voice, plus the concept is different and intriguing. I still think you have a little more info than you need. You could probably cut a line from this last paragraph, but I don't think you necessarily need to. Very well done!).
My most recent accomplishments include winning a full MS mentorship on a query contest, also known as Pitch Wars. I also won The Story Within weekly contest, as well as being a finalist for the grand prize. I am an active member in the Florida Writers Association, where I am constantly learning how to improve my craft. (Personal preference, but I'd probably lose the MS mentorship since it is based on query writing and not your story. It doesn't really matter though, up to you.)
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the sample pages requested per your submission guidelines, and look forward to hearing from you. (Very good! I'm impressed. The only other recommendation I have is that I'd maybe change the genre you are querying this in. It fits in 'supernatural thriller' as easy as 'paranormal' and, unfortunately, many queries get dismissed these days when they see the word 'paranormal' because that category is currently over-saturated and hard to sell. Just a tip! Wishing you so much luck with this! I hope it finds a home because I'm excited to check it out!
Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I really hope this helped you, the query needs very little, but hopefully a couple of tweaks will help take it all the way. It takes guts to send in a query, to me or an agent. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)
So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire.