Friday, April 12, 2013

Forging Fridays - Knowing Where to Stop


Today is our twelfth Forging Fridays Query! Yay! We love volunteers! As stated before, I won't be revealing the identities of the volunteers for Forging Fridays unless otherwise requested. If you feel like unmasking yourselves in the comments, be my guest. But, I won't mention anyone by name.

Here is our next volunteer! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*

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Seventeen year-old Angelica Savage can't be a killer. It's not her fault that seven of her best friends have died. Great hook! Very interesting. At least she thinks it's not her fault. Her doctors call her lost memories amnesia (seriously?) I like the voice here, just be cautious because it can be easy to go overboard with, especially in a thriller where we need to convey a creepy vibe. Also, this acts like amnesia may be a new concept. Maybe rephrase to something like: Dr White Coat and the other doctors say it's amnesia and her brain is doing it to protect her from what happened. Angelica is afraid not knowing could be more like a death sentence for those closest to her...or something along those lines. , Dr. White Coat calls it protection, Angelica calls it a death sentence for those closest to her.   

Angelica decides to keep everyone safe by hiding in the socially suicidal shadows until death gets bored with her. Then Aiden shows up at her school and she can't help remembering I'd rework this section a bit for more impact. maybe "at her school and memories start creeping back up, like their last kiss. Like how his sister... it adds this nice contrast between the two memories. I'm liking this a lot so far. their last kiss. Or how his sister died. 

With the help of Aiden, Angelica makes plans to visit the dead friends families awkward here...rephrase? in the hopes of finding clues to her lost memories but some psycho threatens how so? Does she receive an actual letter or something? Be specific here. her family if she keeps digging into the past. 

Only three months is this because she is turning 18? make sure we know why there is this timeline--and evidence--stand between a padded cell with Angelica's name on it and freedom. Can her memories show who the real killer is? If she is responsible, will Aiden be next on the Angelica Death Row? I like it! Very intriguing. and good hook. Maybe rephrase so they aren't rhetorical questions, but other than that... :)

Now Angelica must chose whether to unlock her damaged mind and try to find redemption--risking the lives of her family, or spend the rest of her life on the edge of insanity. Okay, while I like what you've done here, you don't need more at this point. Maybe merge this bit with the two rhetorical questions ending the paragraph above. End with impact and don't go on too long past that or they'll lose that gut "GIVE IT TO ME NOW" response you're going for. 

IT’S NOT ME is a YA psychological thriller at 78,000 words.

Very, very good. These are tiny adjustments and will make this query ready to go! Well done and good luck!

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Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I really hope this helped you. It takes guts to send in a query, to me or an agent. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)

So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire. 

7 comments:

  1. I think this is so cool you do this. In my opinion all the advice you gave was great and, if taken and adjusted, it would make for a much more..intriguing for lack of a better word..query. [At least from a bookworms POV :)]

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    1. Thanks, Sheri! :) So glad the bookworms agree!

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  2. Your comments were right on. Interesting premise. Best of luck querying mystery writer.

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  3. You're awesomesauce, Ms. Johansson!

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    1. Why thank you, *tips hat* I do try. ;-)

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