Friday, May 10, 2013

Forging Fridays - Just a Smidge

Today is our sixteenth Forging Fridays Query! Wow...sixteen, this year is flying by. Yay! We love volunteers! As stated before, I won't be revealing the identities of the volunteers for Forging Fridays unless otherwise requested. If you feel like unmasking yourselves in the comments, be my guest. But, I won't mention anyone by name.


Here is our next volunteer! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*

~~~~

Dear [agent]

It was the day 12-year-old Jeremy Miner had dreaded for years. The day when the list of boys at St. Edith’s school finally dwindled to one: him. this is super cute. but after reading the next paragraph, I don't think you need it. You'll see what I mean.
I'd consolidate these two paragraphs and to be honest... I'd probably move this part to the top it's a stronger opening. Start with "12-year-old Jeremy Miner had a girl problem" and go on from there and then make the last line "and after an experiment in going coed fails, Jeremy is the only boy left". This is really cute and has great voice. I can practically hear him groaning. Because Jeremy had a girl problem. Or, more accurately, a girls problem. Four hundred and seventy-five of them. That’s how many girls attend St. Edith’s, after a failed experiment in going coed left the school with a diminishing roster of boy students.
When the second-to-last boy transfers, Jeremy realizes he needs to escape -- but his stressed-out single mother will never let him transfer, since the scholarship he has as the son of a school employee is the only reason she can afford to send him to private school at all. So he and his best friend Claudia hatch a plan to get him expelled through a series of escalating pranks designed to stir things up at the normally staid St. Edith's, involving armies of garden gnomes, doctored doorknobs, and a late-night snow masterpiece.  But when his pranks start to have unexpected consequences he begins to question if he's misjudged his school, his friends and himself all along. This all sounds great, I'd recommend adding just that extra punch of voice in this paragraph that you have in the previous ones and I think you're golden. Currently, this one reads a bit more like a synopsis than the rest of it and you want to carry that same voice throughout.
THE LAST BOY AT ST. EDITH'S is a 46,000 word contemporary realistic middle grade novel a set in the private schools and old mill towns of Western Massachusetts. I'm a Redacted

Thank you,
Redacted

So...pretty much this is awesome already. Just a few minor tweaks to make it even better. :) Hope this helps and good luck!

~~~~

Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I really hope this helped you. It takes guts to send in a query, to me or an agent. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)

So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire.


2 comments:

  1. 16th?! Wow! It feels like that went by so fast! You do a good job with these, Jenn. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is a really great start, I agree. Very nice job! I agree with your suggestions, Jenn. I think this would be a book my daughter would love. Good luck to the author!

    ReplyDelete