Forging Fridays - Getting to the Roots

Today is our sixth Forging Fridays Query! Yay! We love volunteers! As stated before, I won't be stating the identities of the volunteers for Forging Fridays unless otherwise requested. If you feel like unmasking yourselves in the comments, be my guest. But, I won't mention anyone by name.

Here is our very next volunteer! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*

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Dear (Agent Name), 

Justice and revenge, are they the same thing? Rhetorical questions are kind of frowned upon in queries simply because you want to invite the agent to think up their own questions, not to answer yours. With rhetorical questions, there is always the chance they'll just say, "No" and send the auto-response rejection. The two main characters of my recently completed (recently completed screams NOT REVISED enough, it's not necessary) novel, HEROES: VENDETTA, ask themselves this question. Set in modern day England, this character-driven story is an 111,000 word science fiction and fantasy for YA. Emotional, dark, epic, and with a bit of teen humor, the story shows us how hatred consumes an individual, teaching us there is a line between justice and revenge. The world of X-Men meets the world of Final Fantasy in this story told from the POVs of the two characters.Okay, so I'd recommend losing this entire paragraph with few exceptions: keep this last sentence and the title and word count. Telling them your book is good will not convince them. You have to show them it's good.

Jason Conner is a mage who can use the four elements air, water, earth, and fire. Influenced by comic book heroes as a boy, his dream was to become a hero and make a difference despite being born different. But thanks to the International Mage Council (IMC) and their army called the White Knights, no dream is possible this is very vague, how so?. With a growing anti-mage sentiment, hope for any future is lost Why? Because he is a mage? But aren't the IMC keeping Jason down too?. Jason didn’t want to give up hope, but his dream was completely shattered with the murder of his parents when he was just a boy Okay, if his hopes to become a hero were lost many years before this book begins, they don't need to be mentioned here Make sure the info you share in the query is what the agent HAS to know. If they don't HAVE to know it then take it out. Now 18 years old and with no hope of a future again, future is very vague--what should he have hope for? Are we talking happiness? Success? A family? Or future as in they kill everyone when they turn 19? We need more clarity here, Jason's only wish is justice for the death of his parents In what way? Against who? We don't know who the enemy is here. No longer caring about his academics, Jason decides to begin a life-changing quest Okay, this doesn't ring true. We have no inciting incident to begin your story and we don't have a clue what makes him do this. Yes, his parents died and maybe he's wanted justice for 10 years (or so) since then, but what happened to make him decide to go. THAT needs to be in here. to hunt down the murderers across England, taking the law into his own hands. But is it really justice? Again, avoid the questions. 

Silent and reserved, 19 year old Gray Maelstrom This is a personal preference, but I feel it is VERY difficult to write an effective query from two POVs. Focus on the main one, if there isn't a main one, focus on the most compelling one. It's okay if you don't mention that there is another POV in the query. If they like the writing and story enough, that won't matter, another element-using mage, only wants to live a quiet life of peace with his brother Jako and his lover Sarah. To Gray, they can adapt to the IMC’s cruel discrimination towards mages What discrimination? In what way? and aren't the IMC mages themselves? This is really confusing. We have many details we don't need and few details we do.. Even when requested to join his father’s rising crusade against the humans this took me a minute to realize we aren't talking about robots/aliens, do mages not consider themselves human? , Gray refuses. But when the IMC strikes and Sarah is murdered by the White Knights, Gray can no longer ignore this should be a motivating, moving force. Use something more powerful than 'can no longer ignore' something like 'joins their cause with a vengeance for blood' or something will carry the kind of impact you're looking for. the large anti-mage sentiment. Unable to forgive the IMC this implies they asked for his forgiveness or that he should forgive them, Gray’s grief morphs into a hunger for vengeance this is the emotion we're looking for, you don't need an additional sentence to say this. Joining his father’s crusade against the humans, Gray begins his quest to avenge the deaths of his loved ones, forgetting that his choices have consequences too vague here. You need to tell us what is at risk, what can he lose? Without that, why should the agent care?.

  

My name is (Name redacted) and I’m currently enrolled at (Redacted) University as a sophomore. HEROES: VENDETTA is my first novel and I’ve been working on it for six years and now I’m confident that this completed science fiction/fantasy novel will appeal to YA, my target audience whom I’m very familiar with I'd recommend losing this whole sentence, it throws up all kinds of red flags. Agents want experienced writers and will most likely assume that someone's first book isn't good enough. Also, you never want to tell an agent how long it took you to write because it doesn't matter and is unnecessary.. It’s the first book of a series I’m planning They may not be able to sell a series so you shouldn't commit to it in the query. If you have to say something about it, say "This is a standalone with series potential." or nothing at all.. I have ideas for four more books Again, I'd recommend taking this out. Thank you for your time and consideration. If you’re interested please email me and I will be honored to send you what you request.Unnecessary, this is a given. 

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)

Okay, a few overall thoughts. I think this is a cool idea. I hear nothing Sci-fi here though, it sounds like fantasy (mages specifically). Also, I'd recommend changing the title. Heroes the tv series is too recent and well known and some aspects of the story sound too similar that it will feel like an imitation (especially with the mention of X-men - which with mages I'm not sure applies anyway). A unique title will make you stand out instead of blending in. Hone this down to it's bare roots and polish it til it really shines. Focus on one main character for the query, or if you want to highlight both, then explain how they interact. Why are these the two characters you've chosen? What conflict/goal/enemy do they share? What will they lose if they fail? THIS is your query. Everything else is unnecessary.

Good luck!

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Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I really hope this helped you, the query just needs some polish and reworking. It takes guts to send in a query, to me or an agent. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)

So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire. 

Forging Fridays - Double Header!

Today is our fifth Forging Fridays post! Yay! Again, I won't be stating the identities of the volunteers for Forging Fridays unless otherwise requested. If you feel like unmasking yourselves in the comments, be my guest. But, I won't mention anyone by name. On to our queries! Yep... two queries, as promised. 

Today is a Double Header! *applause* *cheers* *confetti* 
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Query 1 - 

Dear [Agent],

[Personalized] I am seeking representation for my YA Contemporary Fantasy BECOMING JINN. (excellent start, but I would recommend including word count here)

Wishing doesn’t make it so, Azra does. (Great hook!)

Azra has always known who she is. A Jinn. But Azra has also always known who she doesn’t want to be. A Jinn. This reads awkward, maybe rephrase to something like "And that's exactly what she doesn't want to be" or just rephrase so it's less repetitive. On her sixteenth birthday, Azra’s genie magic kicks in. For the rest of her life, she’ll go where she’s told, perform on command, and do it all without question. Screw that. With a flick of her wrist, she jettisons the Jinn handbook. Is this literal? I'm a little confused, but this should be completely clear as to whether this is a real thing. This sentence takes us out a bit because it's distinct in closeness of voice from the rest of the query. It would be just as powerful to say something that keeps us in the same place, like "so she does the only logical thing and sends the Jinn handbook as far away from her as possible" or something like that.  Her powers, curiously strong for a new genie, fuel her ability to wing it. But when her cockiness causes her to skip a vital step this is unnecessarily vague, we need to know what she is doing wrong for us to decide whether we care or not, she not only risks exposing Jinn magic to humans what are the consequences of that? Will the world implode or will she just get a slap on the wrist. Make us care. but also puts a baby’s life in danger this makes us care, but it's a big leap from what we know. Why is this baby involved at all? If you're going to mention him/her, give us some connection. Either one would be enough to draw the attention of the Afrit who rule over the Jinn world her throwing the book wasn't enough, I take it?, but the combination lands her on probation. Little do the Afrit know they’ve granted Azra’s wish by forbidding her to use magic. ...okay, now I'm really confused. She's being punished, does that mean she failed and both exposed the magic and the baby died? This all needs to be clear and if this isn't the main conflict, then we need a lot less detail actually. If this is just what leads to the main conflict, as it seems in the next paragraph, then it should be summed up with something like, "after a spot of trouble involving (looks like you're going for humor, so twist it in a way to be funny) the Genie council forbids her use of magic" but...in voice.

Happily reduced to doing mischief like a normal teenager, Azra sneaks a peek at her mother’s diary. The secrets about the father she has never met, the source of her strong magic, and why the Afrit have been watching her so closely reveal as many answers as they do questions about who Azra really is and who she wants to be. Okay, so here we have an entirely new plot. We really only need one mentioned. And as far as I can see here, I'm not sure there is any need for her losing her magic to be mentioned. It doesn't seem she cares and it isn't what allows her to read a diary, so maybe don't even mention it? Focus on the central plot, if it's about her family and discovering herself, then that's all your query needs to be about. When her probation is lifted, Azra must figure out how to grant the most important wish she has ever been asked — one that challenges the most fundamental rules of the Jinn — without losing those she loves most, and herself, in the process. And here we're vague again. Give us specifics and consequences or we can't make the leap to caring. 

See, when genies are involved, there’s always a trick. I like this, but it does steal a little impact from the consequences in the previous sentence. If you're going to keep it, I'd recommend losing "See".

With fantasy elements set in the contemporary world, BECOMING JINN will appeal to readers of Lauren Oliver, Kristin Cashore, and John Green. Be very careful when using big names like this. I'm not saying don't do it, but it's creating very high expectations should they read on. Instead, I'd try to find a cross of two books that haven't been combined before. Like...I don't know Aladdin meets...Anna and the French Kiss or something. I know that doesn't make sense, but find the combo that fits so it seems like you're filling a vacant space on new ground instead of trying to fill the monster size shoes you've mentioned here. Make sense?

A professional editor and writer for more than seventeen years, I have a B.A. in journalism from (redacted) University. I am currently the editor for the yearly series of public policy journals published by the (redacted). I am a member of Grub Street in Boston, having attended the 2012 Muse and the Marketplace conference. Never heard of this. You don't need the extra details, so only keep it if it's a big deal. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A sample of the work follows. I would be happy to send you a full or partial manuscript. These last two lines are implied when querying. I'd recommend removing them.

Overall, you're on the right track here. You have voice and you understand the format of a good query. I'd just work on honing in on your main story. Good job!  

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Query 2 - Having a weird issue with fonts here...

Dear Agent: Make sure to add in a personalization here also. :)

Virtue in a vial—without it the world can’t survive. Intriguing...go on. :)


Sixteen-year-old Bevin wants to be in control of the Patience that runs through her veins when you say "runs through her veins" and "virtue in a vial" I think drugs. Are we talking they inject themselves with extra virtues because that's the imagery I'm getting here. Also, of all the "virtues" I can think of, Patience is not a particularly interesting one. If you've made it so, tell us how this virtue (and controlling it) is a struggle for her in a world where everyone is born with one virtue but each person needs more than one to survive Why do they need more than one to survive? And what makes Bevin someone we should care about. We don't have a reason to care yet.. When the prices of virtues begin to rise, she must figure out a way to grow into her Patience what does this mean? Are we talking about controlling Patience again here?, her best chance at being able to get more virtues how so?, even if it means using the seven deadliest virtues which are what? I wouldn't mention this if you don't want to tell us what they are.


Bevin grew up in a household with cupboards full of vials but the only virtue that doesn’t taste right on her tongue is her own Ah, and now we're getting more about Bevin, maybe find a way to start with this? Should hers "taste right?". Now global trade declines and residents higher up begin to hoard vials as prices are jacked up, leaving those in the middle and the lower end without the means to survive I think we're starting too wide in scope here for a query. You can tell us all of this in the book. For the query, you need to focus on the main character and what is at risk for HER. Will her little brother die? Have her parents already? What are the deadliest virtues and why is it a risk to work with them? What makes her uniquely suited to this task? Is it her Patience?. When Bevin learns that seven teenagers, each born with one of the most deadliest either deadliest or most deadly here virtues are going to stop the inflation, Bevin must find a way to save herself in order to protect what is left of her country before it comes to its downfall.


Only after being tricked into giving away a birthright sooo vague, We're bouncing back and forth here between too much detail and too little. Focus on the things that matter and be specific about those things. she never knew she had does Bevin realize just how much help she can be to the nation. Now time is running out and she must decide what is worth fighting for to save remove "to save" here, it steals impact her country, her birthright or what’s left of her Patience.

Complete at 80,000 words, VIRTUE NOT VALID is a science fiction novel for young adults that will appeal to readers of Veronica Roth's DIVERGENT and Lauren Oliver’s DELIRIUM. Again, as with the query above, these are HUGE names. Make sure you're giving yourself a space to fill and not just stepping in behind people who are already there.

Thank you very much for your time and attention. 


Okay, so this idea is super unique and I really like it. I just think you need to hone in on Bevin and her story. It's great that there is more to the book and there should be, but for the query, we're focusing in on her, what is happening to her, why should we care, what does she have to do, why her, what/who is she up against, what are the consequences if she fails? Answer these questions and you have everything you need for your query.


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Phew!* Okay, that's it for today. Two queries is a LOT! Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writers! :) I really hope this helps you both. You are brave to send in a query, to me or an agent. Well done! :)

So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire. 

Also, we need new volunteers for Forging Fridays! I'm down to only one query in my pile! So send them in! Details on how to submit your query here.

Forging Fridays - Give Us The Emotion

It's time for another Forging Fridays Query! Yay! We love volunteers! As always, I won't be stating the identities of the volunteers for Forging Fridays unless otherwise requested. If you feel like unmasking yourselves in the comments, be my guest. But, I won't mention anyone by name.

Here is our next volunteer! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*

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While I appreciate the dive right in approach as much as the next girl, be sure to include a paragraph (at the beginning or end) about WHY you are querying them. Did you see something somewhere that indicated they'd be a good fit? Personalizing the query can make a world of difference!

All Cinnamin Makaiau wanted was to start a family with her wife, Naali. But the delivery does not go as planned and now Cinnamin has lost what she had so desperately wanted If I'm reading this correctly, the story starts here and this is the inciting incident that gets the story rolling. If so, this isn't something you need to keep a secret and be vague about. Did she lose her wife? The baby? Both? Make it clear and show the emotion and voice so we're completely on Cinnamin's side from the beginning., leaving her alone and unsure of how to put back the pieces of her shattered life. She is left with in-laws who want to help her through her grief, but their Hawaiian customs of mourning seem to mock her pain, and so Cinnamin feels no comfort from the people who want to be her family, her 'ohana. This is cool. I haven't seen many books that delve into this particular culture. You're establishing a familiar setup (moving on after loss) with a new twist (a culture not often explored). This is a key asset to your book and you're making it clear from the start. Well done! :)

Meanwhile,Cinnamin cannot help but think of her own parents, who turned their backs on her when they found out the truth about her sexuality, but who had once been able to console her when she was small this sentence reads a little awkward. Most parents can console their kids when they're small this doesn't set them apart. Give us some emotion or event or something: i.e. in her pain, she can't stop thinking of the way her own parents had (insert caring emotional detail here). Cinnamin is alone, craving comfort from those who cannot give it. So when she runs into her brother, and he suggests a way to earn her parents' love and acceptance okay, this choice seems to be the crux of the story. It's the main conflict. Do not keep the main conflict a secret! Is he asking her to pretend she's straight? Be more direct with whatever this is and make it clear why it is a difficult choice for her specifically., Cinnamin is forced to choose between regaining her family or remaining true to her identity. This is an emotional consequence. With a situation like this, we need to connect with your main character in order to care. Can you provide us something that tugs at the heartstrings in the first paragraph? For example something like, Cinnamin expected to be buying diapers and hearing her wife's laughter at their son's first smile, instead she is buying caskets and hearing the words of the preacher as he speaks of the importance of 'Ohana - family. His words can't console her when she knows she is burying the only family she has left that could love her no matter what. -- Now, obviously, not this. Make it your own. Use your character's voice, but pull us in with her emotion and struggle. Make sense?

Finding 'Ohana is a completed, 48,900 word women's fiction novel. The Hawaiian setting, rather than only portraying the Hawai'i that tourists know, instead explores the locals' Hawai'i awkward phrasing here, maybe reword? and the ways in which native Hawaiians adapt their ancestors' culture. The book deals with many complex themes, including parenthood, family estrangement, grief, religion and sexuality, as well as family and individual identity as they are defined by differing cultures. Very good. As I said above, these are important things that set this apart. It might also be good to indicate why the author is an authority on this? Are they Hawaiian? Did they grow up in that culture? Spent time researching? Not much is necessary, just a short sentence is all you need.

I have begun building my writer's platform (with my pen name: Redacted) ever since attending the Redacted Writers' Conference last year, and am eager to do more marketing in the future as well. This paragraph is massive for author information and really mostly unnecessary. The writing is what will sell the book, not what you're doing in a platform. For the last six months, I have been working as an editor for a fiction publishing company If you are going to include this detail, you need to name the company, if you don't want to name them then leave it out or just say "I've been working as a professional editor so...", so I know the level of perfection required before a novel is ready for publication. I have been writing fiction since my senior year of high school, when a short story of mine won third place in a campus writing contest. Since then, I have completed a large sample of short stories in a wide variety of styles. These last two sentences don't matter and I'd take them out. One of these was published in a literary arts journal in the spring of 2010, and another was printed at the Black Rock Press on the University of Nevada, Reno campus. I also had an academic paper published in another literary arts journal in the fall of 2011. You need to be more general here: I've had several short stories published in (local? regional?) journals between 2010 and the present under the name: (since you already said you are using a pen name). Since this isn't a short story, they probably won't care to look them up (and you really don't have to mention it), but it can lend you a dash of credibility to note you've been published if you'd like.  The work I am submitting to you is one of my favorites. I feel that I know the characters personally and I am excited to share them with you. Much of my own emotion went into Cinnamin's development, and I have been told it comes through on the pages. Finding 'Ohana has gone through many revisions, and I am still open to critiques and new ideas to strengthen the writing. These last 4 sentences are unnecessary and implied. if this wasn't one of your favorites that you were excited to share, they assume you wouldn't be sending it. Also, if you are going to work with an agent or editor, you need to be willing to take critiques, so this is implied also. I'd remove much of this paragraph. In truth, you could take out the entire thing. None of this will sell the story, the writing will.

If you are interested, I will gladly send you the complete or partial manuscript. Nice, but unnecessary. Also implied. This is why you're querying. You could instead put something like: Please let me know if you have any questions and Thank you so much for your time and (reading queries is very time consuming, acknowledging this shows you're aware) consideration.

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Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I sincerely hope this helped! I think introducing this culture is different and intriguing, the query just needs some polish. It takes guts to send in a query, to me, an agent or an editor. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)

Speaking of, do you want to volunteer? Click here to find out how to send in your query!

So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire.

Forging Fridays - Too Little = No Hook

Today is our second Forging Fridays Query! Yay! Again, I won't be stating the identities of the volunteers for Forging Fridays unless otherwise requested. If you feel like unmasking yourselves in the comments, be my guest. But, I won't mention anyone by name.

On to our next query! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*

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Dear _____,

I am writing to you because you represented ________ by _________, and I feel my first novel, COUNTERACT, has elements in common with that book. COUNTERACT stands completed at 45,000 words. Great! This is a very important part of the email that many forget: the reason you queried this agent/editor. Whether it is because of something they said they are looking for in an interview or something similar that they represent, you should explain why. It shows you did your research! Always a good thing! :)

COUNTERACT is the story of Tommy and Carine, two teenagers brought together by chance very vague, give us a bit more here as the United States braces for a chemical weapons attack. From who? Why? Who is the enemy? There are a lot of questions unanswered here. When you have too many unanswered questions, your audience doesn't care enough to find out. We need enough info to care about what happens. We don't have that here yet. The government issues an antidote to the poison, but the side effects of the drug render people incapable of caring what’s happening to them. More on this. What is happening that they should care about? Is them not caring worse than the effects of the chemical weapons?We need more information to care what happens to the country or the characters When Tommy and Carine discover the true nature of the threat again, this is not the back of a book. It's okay to reveal some of these details. Especially if they'll help hook the agent/editor. , they must rely on each other to survive. Believe me. Keeping it short and sweet is a very good plan, but you've taken it a bit too far here. We have no voice and not enough information to care about the world or the characters. Every word needs to count in a query and while you've done an excellent job of keeping it brief, not having enough of the right information can be just as bad of a problem. 

I committed twenty years this isn't necessary. You NEVER need to/should tell an agent or editor how long you spent on a project to researching and writing REDACTED, an historic non-fiction based on the journal of my great-great-great grandfather.I am also co-author of REDACTED, an inspirational collective memoir about finding hope, humor, and grace in life’s unexpected moments. Because none of this is the same genre as COUNTERACT, you really don't need any of this, but you can keep it in if you choose. It probably won't help or hurt you.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you. perfect ending. Many say too little or too much. This is just right. :)


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Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I really hope this helped you and I think your basic concept is here, we just need more details to really grab your audience. You are brave to send in a query, to me or an agent. Well done! :)

So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire. 

And we're always looking for new volunteers for Forging Fridays! Details on how to submit your query here.

Forging Fridays - It's in the Details!

Today is our first Forging Fridays Query! Yay! We love volunteers! I don't believe I stated this before, but I won't be stating the identities of the volunteers for Forging Fridays unless otherwise requested. If you feel like unmasking yourselves in the comments, be my guest. But, I won't mention anyone by name.

Here is our very first volunteer! *applause* *cheers* *confetti*

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After 18-year-old Anne Marie Gessner refuses to go to college and moves in with her grandmother in Paris, she’s determined to learn about her French mother, who died 10 years prior.  But her plans change when she stumbles across the diary and letters of the infamous Charlotte Corday, an aristocrat known in French Revolution history for murdering journalist Jean-Paul Marat. Good start! We have an age & a main character, but there are some things regarding motivation that are lacking. Without having read the book, I'm guessing the inciting incident here is Anne's decision to not attend college and move to Paris (or possibly finding the diary). We have no idea what makes her decide to pass on college. We want to care about what your main character is doing from the first paragraph and a big part of that requires us to know a bit about WHY she is doing things.

As Anne discovers the secrets her family kept from her about her mom, Charlotte’s life starts taking over Anne’s, literally. While reading Charlotte’s writing or standing in front of her portrait, Anne time travels, turns into her distant relative complete with all her memories, and experiences everything that shaped Charlotte, from the evacuation of Caen to the death of Charlotte’s mother. But she can’t control the time travel and occasionally comes back to the Paris of November 2005, when immigrant youths riot for equality. A few points to discuss here: 1 - We have a bit of disjointedness from the first paragraph to this one. The end of the first paragraph is about how her plans to find out more about her mom get derailed by some unknown thing. This paragraph needs to go directly to the unknown thing, in this case, the time-travel bit. When we go back to the mom in the start of the first sentence, I feel like I missed something. 2 - There are some clarity issues about what is actually happening. You call it time-travel, but she is actually in Charlotte's body? This really isn't clear enough here. 3 - The sentence saying "Charlotte's life starts taking over Anne's, literally" is troublesome. I can see the clever angle you're trying to get to here, but it isn't quite working. Especially because if I'm understanding this correctly, isn't it Anne who is taking over Charlotte's life? (going back and living it in her place?) Or are they switching places? You can see the confusion I'm having here. 4 - Why is the coming back to the present a problem? Why are the rioting youths even mentioned? If they aren't a bigger part of the plot then they don't need to be here. If they are a bigger part of the plot, tell us how. Would she prefer to stay back in Charlotte's time? If so, what makes her want to stay there? Again, we meed more insight into motivation.


As her two realities intertwine, Anne must decide whether to follow Charlotte’s destiny — to murder a radical leader for the good of France — or to follow her own path. What she decides ends up shaping her own life in the present, and that includes what she learns about her mom’s life. Okay, now we're at the consequences part of the query. What are the stakes? They need to be specific and we need to know why it's a problem. "Shaping her own life in the present" is very vague. We need more specifics. Shaping it how? And that gets us to the root problem with this query. We know very little about the character. You've told us some about the plot, but we know very little about Anne. Is Anne terribly unhappy with her life and that's why she'd prefer to stay back then? If so, what makes her unhappy? Did she fall for someone in either timeline (or both)? If she stays back as Charlotte, will she be stuck that way? Will she go to jail for the murder? Must she decide if she's capable of murder? If she's not, will she change history? We need concrete risks and rewards. I am certain there are details in the story, you need to share some of these with us in the query. A query needs to make us care and be intrigued by a story and characters. You can't do that without more details and specifics. This does not mean it needs to be longer. I wouldn't make it longer. It means you need to use your space better. Also, the last sentence needs to pack a punch. This one is punch-less, but concrete consequences will help that.

One last note. Voice is lacking through this entire query. This is a very common problem. In this case, I feel like when you add in the details and let us get to know Anne a bit better, this may be at least partly resolved. Another EXCELLENT option is to take your query and tell the same facts and sentences from 1st person and Anne's POV. As though Anne sat down and wrote a letter to someone about what happened to her. NOTE: DO NOT USE THIS LETTER AS YOUR QUERY. It's just a great method for tapping into the voice of your character and your story. Afterward, using that letter as a reference, rewrite the query including more of the voice you found in the letter. Make sense? 

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Okay, that's it for today and this query. Thank you so much for volunteering, oh mystery writer! :) I really hope this helped you and I think your concept is different and intriguing, the query just needs some polish. It takes guts to send in a query, to me or an agent. Go you! You have awesome guts! :)

So, what do you guys think? Agree or disagree with my assessments? Discuss! Also, happy Forging Fridays! May we all be tougher and stronger thanks to our days in the fire. 

Forging Fridays Query Critiques - I Did WHAT?

I've seriously been so excited for these query critiques. I really enjoy polishing queries. And I've had a few brave souls send in their queries already.

THANK YOU! Keep them coming!

But, before I put you awesome people under the microscope, I thought it would be unfair not to show you a bit of where I started. This way you'll know there is no need to be embarrassed, because I've done it all. I learned the hard way. 

You'll see...

A few months ago, I was dared to post my very first query on the Friday the Thirteeners blog. When I say query, I use the term VERY loosely. Some of you may have seen this before, but I'm going to re-post it here so you can see/remember the numerous mistakes I made. I'll post my color commentary in red so you can see just how mortified I am about this now and feel all shiny-good about yourself and your query. :)

~~~

Dear Kristin Nelson, (undoubtedly the best part of the email, unless your name is Kristin Nelson)

Hello! (*sigh* at least I was enthusiastic) My name is Jenn and I'm considering writing a book. (Yep. You read that right -- considering) I've never done much writing, but I'm a fast learner and I have faith that I can figure it out. (OH! I have faith! Well, I should've led with that. It's a game changer) I'm sure you hear this kind of thing all the time because from your website, I see that you're a literary agent. (...apparently I just read her title and quickly closed the browser. Otherwise I would've learned that SENDING THIS WAS A BAD IDEA) You seem like you might be the perfect person to help me with this! (Please, kill me now)

Is there any particular place you'd recommend starting when learning to write? (*head desk*) How does the publishing industry work exactly? Do I hire an agent and then start writing? Or is that backward? (There's really nothing to do but shake my head and laugh at this point)

Anyway, as you can see, I have many questions! Let me know if you'd prefer talking on the phone and we can schedule a call. (Yes! And then we shall have tea with the Mad Hatter, but bring a jacket because HELL has frozen over!)

Thanks so much!

Jenn

~~~

Seriously. Reading this now, I want to grab newbie-writer-me and shake some sense into her. Good thing more-experienced-writer-me has a sense of humor or there would be some kind of time-travel violence going on. 

Now that we've all had a good laugh at my expense, here is my point. Did I make mistakes here? I think we can all agree - YES! Did it ruin my chances in the future? No. In fact, I think writing queries and pitches has become a strength of mine. 

So, there you go. Making mistakes helps you learn. We'll be diving full force into the volunteer queries starting next week. If you've been hesitant to send one in, do it!

In the meantime, your Laugh of the Day is on me. ;-) Have a great weekend!

Forging Fridays: Want a Query Critique?

This last Saturday marked 6 months exactly before the release of Insomnia.

I'm feeling excited, happy, and extremely lucky.

So, in the spirit of the season and giving, I wanted to do something useful for aspiring authors.

One very difficult step along the way to becoming traditionally published is querying. It can suck, hardcore. I know how hard it can be. Between the rejection, frustration and all the waiting, it's tempting to wave the white flag.

Querying is one of the many steps that forge a writer and prepare them for what they eventually want to become.

Some of you may know that my background is in marketing. This seems to have given me an advantage. Understanding both stories and hooks is crucial to writing a good query.

So, I'm starting a new event on my blog: Forging Fridays. I am open to receive queries starting today. I will post one query critique on my blog every Friday starting January 4th, 2013 and (as long as I have queries to critique--counting on you guys for that part) I'll keep it going at least through the Friday before my Insomnia release, June 7th, 2013.

It won't be easy to volunteer. It's scary to have your work publicly critiqued, believe me, I know this. I promise to be gentle but honest. And to be clear, if you aren't willing to have things you write critiqued online, you really shouldn't be pursuing traditional publication anyway.

What do you say? Are you ready to go all in? You can find info on how/where to send your query at the tab up top labelled Forging Fridays ~or~ you can click here.